Hope 🦋

 

Hope. There was a time I could not see any hope. Sometimes even now I have a tendency to feel hopeless. Depression is like a disease, and the toll it takes on you leaves permanent damage. So I can still feel the aches and pains. But I try to ignore it, not give into it.

So now I feel hope. You have to have hope. It is essential to getting better. But when you’re depressed, hope is something so far removed from your life, that it seems like an impossibility. Something you don’t know how to get, but so desperately want and need.

I just finished Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, TMS. It’s relatively new in my area. You can Google it to find out about it and see if it’s offered where you live. My insurance actually covered it. I did find it quite painful, but no pain, no gain, right? A lot of people don’t experience much discomfort but I guess I have a low tolerance threshold for pain. I can’t say I am depression free, and I can’t say that I still don’t have bad days, but I’m not lying in a dark closet curled up under a blanket wishing I were dead.  I don’t know how long the effects of TMS will last, I was told that I may have to have maintenance to make sure I don’t slip back into such a bad depression, but time will tell. It’s kind of scary, like being in remission, fearfully wondering if it will come back again and destroy me. And now that my head is a little clear, and I feel like I just might have a future without depression, it helps me to focus on other things. Like this blog. I want to help people because I know how it feels. It’s like seeing somebody on the side of the road that’s been in a bad wreck. I’ve been in a bad wreck too emotionally and there’s no way I can let other people struggle through that without trying to offer some sort of help.

Other things that help me when I’m really struggling with depression is praying. I’ll tell you about that in a later blog and an experience I had that I like to call my miracle.  Affirmations have helped a lot and mindfulness meditation. You can find all sorts of videos on YouTube. I will be talking more in depth about that in future blogs. I haven’t tried electorate conducive therapy, because I’ve heard so many negative things about it that I was a little leery.

For those of you in that dark scary place, my heart aches for you. If I could crawl in that dark closet with you and comfort you I would. Hopefully you’ll find some source of comfort in this blog. I will be posting more about coping strategies soon. 😍

Goodnight 🌚

I had a great day with my daughter. She moved back home temporarily in the wake of a bad breakup. The house feels more like a home again. The two spare bedrooms are now over flowing with piles of clothes and funky decor. She is a wild child. Creative, witty, determined, kind, and compassionate. I love her more than life! She is my heart.

I’m getting sleepy now. The house is quiet except for the soothing sound of the overhead fan. Thoughts start to pop into my head, unwelcoming yet unrelenting. I see my son’s face as I drift off to sleep, his shy smile so sweet and endearing. My heart skips a beat. My chest begins to pound. He is smiling at me. I squeeze my eyes tight against the tears, but they flow like a sudden burst of torrential rain. My head reels in pain as I push the image away, wanting to hold onto it, yet knowing I can’t. My heart aches. The monster loves nights like this. I quietly get up and peak in on my daughter. She is sprawled across the bed, her face full of innocence and peace. Once again, my heart aches. But this time it aches for her, for her happiness. As I watch her sleep, a peace comes over me. She is my heart, I know this. ❤ Tonight I win, the monster loses

Winding Down 🌓

It’s been a pretty good day. Not a “normal” day like I used to have before the monster arrived, but normal compared to the numbing madness of prior days. I ran errands, cleaned the house, and actually cooked. I had to fight the urge to just crawl back into bed and throw myself under the covers. Depression tapping away at me, reminding me it’s still there. But I ignored it like an invisible enemy, carrying on a playful conversation with my daughter as we ate. We sat perched at the kitchen island, scooping up spoonfuls of taco soup. We talked about our days. She is painfully aware of my struggle with depression, having had to deal with debilitating years of outbursts and suicide attempts. Yet here we sit, mother and daughter, bound so strongly together, yet the deadly threat of depression always threatening our relationship. I feel better anyway. It’s been a good day.

Dazed Days 🎭

Some days are so hard to get through. I have cried in Walmart so many times they probably call me “the crying lady”.  I can’t seem to help myself. The weight of sadness is so heavy it just spills out. I can’t concentrate on days like that. Conversation is impossible. It seems to float around me. I try to grasp bits and pieces, just enough to appear like I’m listening, but all I’m really hearing is the monster digging into my thoughts, ravenously burrowing through my head reminding me I need to die, that I have nothing to live for anymore. He quickly devoures any feeble attempt I make to fight back. “I’m strong”, I silently try to scream, but before I can form the thought, he shreds it to pieces. He screams DIE! DIE! There is a bloody, violent battle waging in my head. I grit my teeth and try not to cry. “Please don’t cry”, I beg myself. I look around helplessly. I’m dying, can’t anybody see that? I’m dying. I want to scream for help, but I know it is pointless. I start to cry.

“What’s wrong?” they ask…again, too many times having seen me do this. I can hear the exasperation in their voice’s. I just cry harder knowing they’re tired of me. I’m tired of me too. I hate me. I want to give into the monster. So worn out from this battle. I can’t answer them. There is no way to explain to them what is happening. So I cry for my lost life, for my lost sanity. No where to hide, no where to find peace. Too many tragic thoughts on such a fine day they seem to say, looking at me again. No mercy. No mercy from the monster, no mercy from anyone anymore. The monster wins today.

 

 

Sleeping With The Enemy ☠️

ULately my nights have been better. I have been listening to subliminal affirmations against the backdrop of rain. Very soothing. Seems to pacify the beast. You can go to Youtube and click the search button, search for “subliminal affirmations”, you will get many to choose from. I listen to the ones that last 6 to 10 hours. I do seem to wake up in better spirits. I have been doing this for about a month.

I remember how terrifying nights can be. I would lie on the couch literally afraid I would die. So scared. The monster just eating me alive. Thoughts running through my head too fast to focus on, faces of loved ones, images of painful reminders of all I had lost, rushing through my mind like a movie stuck on fast forward. But it never stops. It won’t stop. They pass before me, their mouths twisted as if calling out to me. The monster is telling me everyone is gone now, he reminds me I am nothing. Sleep comes in ravaged moments of exhaustion. I finally take more sleeping pills, not wanting to die, but not caring if I do. If that’s what it takes to make the monster stop, then God help me, that’s what I’ll do. Sometimes the monster wins.

New Beginnings 🤩

This has been, and still is the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn.  I was trying so hard to hold onto my old life, even though there was no way to get it back. I had lost my son and granddaughter in my life, I lost my marriage, I lost my job, and I lost everything in the tornado. I was also struggling with the aftermath of breast cancer. So many things happened at one time that I just had a nervous breakdown.  Depression consumed me. I refused to accept that this was my life now. As I sat in the rubble of what was left of my life, literally and figuratively, I could not see beyond what was in front of me, just what was behind me. The life that was gone, that was all I knew and that was all I wanted. The future seemed too bleak and scary, holding onto the past somehow gave me a sense of direction, it took me a long time to realize it was the wrong direction.

I’m still at a learning curve with the way my life is now. I don’t dwell on the past like I used to, maybe just a little now and then. I try to focus on making a new life, without people in it that once filled the void that is left in my heart now. I have to find other things to fill the emptiness. I’m still searching. But at least I’m looking ahead. I will blog more about that in the future, See, the future, not the past! The monster will not win!

Tiptoeing 👟👟

Good morning!

I hope your day is going well! Depression is the quiet monster always lurking within you, right? On days like this when I get up and feel “good”, I try not to wake the monster. I can feel it stirring, but it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head yet. So I will go on about my day, tiptoeing through life again, trying so hard not to wake the beast. I know if he awakens he will devoure me with relentless dark passion, or he will slowly gnaw at my fragile soul. Either way, I will surely die. Or so it always seems. The ride will begin, and I will be carried away to yet another hell. So for now, this day, I will gladly tiptoe.